Question

Lately I have been asked several times if I was or still am mad at God for taking Kian...

To be completely honest, at first I was very angry with God.  Somehow I never turned my back or stopped believing, but I had a hard time accepting the concept that Jesus was crying with me as I mourned for our son.  I was told so many times that Jesus can perform miracles, that no matter what doctors said that Kian could be healed.  

So after Kian passed away, I asked God, why?  Why didn’t you save our son?  Why do you heal others and not Kian?  I remember wondering why Jesus would be sad when He could've just made the heart & lung defects go away and let us take our son home.  Sadly for us, He decided to bring Kian HOME to Him. 

I also struggled (and on some days still struggle with) the fact that God gave Zach and I the passion for kids.  We both have wanted to have children since we were very young. We both have careers that work with children.  We have such a strong love for children and want children of our own so badly.  So why were we chosen to go through the difficulties of getting pregnant?  Why were we chosen to endure the unthinkable of watching our son struggle with life and ultimately to lose him?  

Some say time heals all wounds.  My wounds aren’t healed.  I will forever miss our little fighter and forever have an empty place in my heart and in my life without Kian.  But…somewhere along the line I have come to accept something pretty huge.  I prayed so many times for God to heal Kian so that we could be a family but also so that the people that were so involved in his story could see God’s strength and love at work.  What I have come to accept is that my prayers were answered, just in a totally different way…

God did use Kian’s life and his story to be glorified.  I believe that He has been glorified through the healing of our hearts instead. 

It is difficult to answer the question whether I was or am angry with God for losing Kian.  Of course I have been on a roller coaster of emotions over the last year and a half, we more like two and a half years.  I think my answer would be that yes I was and at times still am angry.  

But one thing that I never doubted was that God’s strong and loving hand was with us throughout it all.  I know for a fact that there is absolutely no way that I would have been able to be as strong as I was throughout Kian’s life and death without our Lord.  Yes, the extreme hurt and pain is still present.  But the amazing thing is that I am not lost.

I remind myself often that we don’t get to understand everything that happens in this life.  Oh trust me, I will have some questions for the big man upstairs when I get there!  And oh I can’t wait to be with our Kian again.  But until then, I think it is important for us to walk by faith.  To believe even the things we don’t understand and the things we can’t see.  Do I do this perfectly?  Not even close!  But I will continue to try!